Testimony Turmoil

I was born into a Pastor's home. My parents loved me. They strived to show me who Jesus was and to teach me how to follow Him. I was 7 years old when I gave my heart to Jesus. That is when I really remember the change that God made in my life. Although, I may have excepted Him sooner, I remember being 7 and responding to an altar call when an evangelist visited our church. From that time on, although I was just a child, I was always hungry for God. My life was embroiled in all things church. I was literally there whenever the doors were open. I was in girls programs, choirs, and church plays. I loved it. I learned to play the piano very young and started lessons when I was 5 years old. I loved to sing and worship God. As I grew older, I had many experiences that solidified my faith and relationship with God. I went to a girls ministry retreat or a Powette (that's what they called it in the 80's) and there I was filled with the Holy Spirit. My heart was always open to God. I always wanted to do right. The fledgling teen years came upon me and my family made a pretty significant move. We were in a much smaller town and had gone from a more urban community to an upper class suburban town. The ministry there was hard. My parents went through a lot. Still, I wanted to serve God. My parents were very good at protecting us from the difficulties of what they were going through, while being very real with us at home. They were not one way in church and one way at home. They loved us in both environments and expected the same from us in both places. I will always be eternally grateful for this. It was in this loving environment, that my faith and love for Christ was born. I was able to see the goodness and love of God. It was much easier to accept Christ and the truth of the gospel in my home. It was in my own personal devotions, at a young age, that God spoke to me about going into ministry. However in my teen years, I fought it. I thought about doing other things and pursuing other career options. It was after a difficult church situation, that my parents left the ministry they were in and started attending another church. While there, the Church hired a youth pastor. It was under his ministry, that I was able to learn how to have a deeper relationship with Christ. The discipleship at this point in my life, helped me to make the ultimate decision to go to Bible College and pursue God's call on my life. God has been good to me. He protected me from a lot and He showed me His goodness at a very young age. It is because of this that I don't think I could ever turn away. There have been hi's and lows in my life. After Bible College and into marraige and ministry. I have faced many things. If it wasn't for the faith of my youth, I don't think I would be the person I am today or be able to live the life I have.

For years I have always looked down on my testimony. I think that often in the church a good testimony has been revered and praised. Look what God has done! Look how far they have come! Look what God saved them from! I have always felt inadequate.

Now many of you may say, why do you look down on your testimony. The simple answer is that I have always felt like it would be irrelevant to reaching people. I'm in the ministry, I'm supposed to relate to people and be able to be understanding, and yet I don't have a way to do that. Getting right down to it, my testimony is not common, its uncommon. Not many people have had what I had. I don't say this in a proud way, I just realize that many people have experienced so much more than I have whether by choice or not by choice.

Fast forward to today. A little over a week ago we took our students to our yearly convention. While there, I offered all of my insecurities to God. Simply saying, Lord I feel inadequate, like I don't have anything to offer. I instantaneously sensed the Lord saying to me, You need to love people like I would love them. There is a common thought today in the church that in order to reach people you have to have experienced what they have in order to understand them. This is a lie. A lie I listened to. I, just like everyone else who is a Christian, have been saved by the precious sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I have been shown the love of God and have experienced His deliverance. It happened differently for me then others. However, everyone has a story. What I have to offer is myself as a lover of God. Then in turn love others. That is what the Bible commands us to do. To Love Him and love others. He has given me the ability to show His amazing love to others. Wow! It is so awesome that I can do that. It is so awesome that I can share this precious gift. It doesn't matter where I came from it just matters what I have to give and that is His Love.  

I have been freed from the notion that I had to live a rough past in order to reach people. I can be myself and reach others. Today, if anyone who reads this needs prayer or needs encouragement, please know that I love you and am willing to pray for you. Lastly, my question for you is this. What is your God story? What has He brought you from and where is He taking you? Be Blessed today!

To be a Mom or not to be

Well, this week it has been difficult for me to settle on a subject to talk about. Then, as I reviewed the last couple weeks, I have been going through quite a struggle. I'm just going to get downright honest. Sometimes I don't like being a mom. Sometimes, the messy, loud, constant discipline part of parenting drives me crazy. At that point, I sit myself on the couch and wish I could put my fingers in my ears, close my eyes and block it all out. That is what I have been going through, to the point where I was just shutting down. Just plain worn out. My drive to do anything was gone, I just felt like hiding.

Yes, I know this sounds pretty selfish. It was. I had to accept, once again, this is my life. I have to live all of it. I have to live through the triumphs and the trenches. I had to take my fingers out of my ears, and open my eyes and look at my life as a whole.

My husband was the one who looked at me one night and pointed out my 'fingers in ears and eyes closed' mentality. He was like, "What is going on with you? It's like the moment the kids enter the house you automatically act annoyed and frustrated, before they have even done or said anything." I got mad at him. I didn't want to deal with my frustrated feelings of not wanting to be a parent. I wanted to revert back to childhood with no worries, no struggles, no hard stuff.

That night I did the only thing I had left to do, and frankly with very little faith. I prayed. I was very matter of fact. I needed help. I didn't like where I was right then and I didn't like what I was allowing myself to become. I asked once again, that God would change me. Change my attitude, change my heart, and help me to overcome the lazy, frustrated, attitude that I had allowed in.

This is what it came down to, I didn't want to deal with life. Bill said to me, "You have to decide if this is the life you want." That may sound harsh, but he wasn't giving me an ultimatum, he was challenging to me to look at my life as a whole, not just the stuff that was driving me crazy.

Life is full of ups and downs, learning and growing, winning and losing. Being a parent is a privilege and a great responsibility. I had to take inventory of myself. How much was I willing to give? It is an all or nothing undertaking.

A couple months ago, I responded to an article a woman wrote about how much she hated being a parent and although I was appalled, as many were, I see now where the emotions and feelings of her writing came from. Loving another person is a selfless act that takes part of who I am. Our culture would say, you shouldn't have to change, you should be able to do what you feel, and act the way you want. The reality is, we have a choice to give or to take. To love ourselves or to love those that God has given us. It is a daily choice. It may seem unromantic and undramatic, but that is simply life.

After praying for God to change my heart and my attitude, I was able to see clearly. He seems to be the only one who can remove the self inflicted scales from my eyes. I have been given a wonderful gift. Three amazing beautiful children that were somehow supposed to be mine to raise. They have been a part of God's plan to make me who He wants me to be. A choice to be a mother or not to be. I have heard it said that anyone can make a child but not everyone can be a parent. I definitely want to be the best parent I can be even if it means laying my life down to love them and train them to be who they are supposed to be. To surpass me in every way, in their relationship with Jesus, in there life decisions, and in their future legacies! What a high and holy calling! I think the choice becomes a lot easier when I think of it that way!

Well that was my honesty coming out. I hope that someone is encouraged today! God Bless!

Religion is a Carrot

I have been unemployed for a little over 3 months. Being on unemployment requires that I have to meet with a career counselor. This past week, was my second appointment, it was my first time meeting the guy who was assigned to me. He was a young man, who was really nice, really helpful, and frankly pretty cool. During the course of the conversation, he asked me what my dream job would be. I went on to tell him that my dream would be to be a Worship Pastor full time. He then went on to ask what denomination I belonged to. The conversation took an interesting turn, when he began to share with me his belief system. Mind you, I didn't ask for his opinion, it just seemed like he had the need to share all his thoughts about religion with me. I just thoughtfully listened. I've come to a point in my life where I would rather listen to why people believe what they believe, then write them off as wrong. All people believe something, and in order to point them towards Jesus, its important to know what path they are coming from.

He told me that he grew up catholic and he went to a catholic college. While there, all of his beliefs were put to the test. He pretty much lost his faith and the reason for his beliefs by the time he graduated. This is a common occurrence these days. He shared with me the basis of his belief. We have grown out of the need for religion and people should know how to be good without it. That we have evolved enough to know better. He likened religion to a carrot. Something man created so that they could coerce people into being good. Basically, "You'll go to heaven if you don't do this, this, and this." Man created the idea of Heaven to dangle in front of people to be good, like a carrot used to train a horse. I told him, that no one is good, and obviously that doesn't really work. He continued to go on saying that as far as we have come as humans we should be good.

I can see where the idea of going to heaven can be used as a reason to encourage people to do good. The reality is, Heaven may be the final destination, but it is the relationship we have with God, while alive that gets us there. Before Jesus even came to earth, there was an understanding of eternity. God gave people guidelines. Even before Israel even became a nation, there was a moral code that had been passed down through generations. There was a knowledge of a creator, and even a culture of sacrifice. Morality is deeply ingrained in the souls of humanity. To lack any sort of conscience, I would argue is to be inhuman.We are born with some sort of sense of right and wrong. As a parent I can tell you that children are more prone to do wrong then right. The picture of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on another, is very relevant. Even if it is just metaphor.

The Bible declares that no man is good. Paul in Romans put the whole need for the law argument down in several chapters. The purpose of the law being created was a way to show us how short we fall.  All the sacrificing and rituals mean nothing with out true knowledge of a savior. It has nothing to do with just going to heaven. Heaven would be easy if it we were just given a set of clear cut rules. The reality, Jesus is the real carrot. He's the one we need. He was dangled before us on a tree. He was offered to us as our way to heaven. We couldn't be good enough no matter what religion says. Only He is good. Accepting His sacrifice is the only way. Only He can make us better. The faulty thinking of my counselor, God bless him, is the idea that man can do this without Jesus. So in a way he was right. religion in terms of rites and rituals does not make people better.  Only Jesus can do that. In a previous blog, I stated that everyone has a choice to believe or not. People have the potential to be really good or really bad or both. The only way to be truly good and truly whole is to know Jesus. God gave us guidelines from the beginning of time. In fact, they proved to show how impossible it is for us to follow them without help. He created them so that the only possible way to achieve them would be to know Him. That carrot is there because God just loved us to darn much to leave us alone.  So yeah in a sense, Religion is a carrot, one that should show us our deep inevitable need for God.