Well, this week it has been difficult for me to settle on a subject to talk about. Then, as I reviewed the last couple weeks, I have been going through quite a struggle. I'm just going to get downright honest. Sometimes I don't like being a mom. Sometimes, the messy, loud, constant discipline part of parenting drives me crazy. At that point, I sit myself on the couch and wish I could put my fingers in my ears, close my eyes and block it all out. That is what I have been going through, to the point where I was just shutting down. Just plain worn out. My drive to do anything was gone, I just felt like hiding.
Yes, I know this sounds pretty selfish. It was. I had to accept, once again, this is my life. I have to live all of it. I have to live through the triumphs and the trenches. I had to take my fingers out of my ears, and open my eyes and look at my life as a whole.
My husband was the one who looked at me one night and pointed out my 'fingers in ears and eyes closed' mentality. He was like, "What is going on with you? It's like the moment the kids enter the house you automatically act annoyed and frustrated, before they have even done or said anything." I got mad at him. I didn't want to deal with my frustrated feelings of not wanting to be a parent. I wanted to revert back to childhood with no worries, no struggles, no hard stuff.
That night I did the only thing I had left to do, and frankly with very little faith. I prayed. I was very matter of fact. I needed help. I didn't like where I was right then and I didn't like what I was allowing myself to become. I asked once again, that God would change me. Change my attitude, change my heart, and help me to overcome the lazy, frustrated, attitude that I had allowed in.
This is what it came down to, I didn't want to deal with life. Bill said to me, "You have to decide if this is the life you want." That may sound harsh, but he wasn't giving me an ultimatum, he was challenging to me to look at my life as a whole, not just the stuff that was driving me crazy.
Life is full of ups and downs, learning and growing, winning and losing. Being a parent is a privilege and a great responsibility. I had to take inventory of myself. How much was I willing to give? It is an all or nothing undertaking.
A couple months ago, I responded to an article a woman wrote about how much she hated being a parent and although I was appalled, as many were, I see now where the emotions and feelings of her writing came from. Loving another person is a selfless act that takes part of who I am. Our culture would say, you shouldn't have to change, you should be able to do what you feel, and act the way you want. The reality is, we have a choice to give or to take. To love ourselves or to love those that God has given us. It is a daily choice. It may seem unromantic and undramatic, but that is simply life.
After praying for God to change my heart and my attitude, I was able to see clearly. He seems to be the only one who can remove the self inflicted scales from my eyes. I have been given a wonderful gift. Three amazing beautiful children that were somehow supposed to be mine to raise. They have been a part of God's plan to make me who He wants me to be. A choice to be a mother or not to be. I have heard it said that anyone can make a child but not everyone can be a parent. I definitely want to be the best parent I can be even if it means laying my life down to love them and train them to be who they are supposed to be. To surpass me in every way, in their relationship with Jesus, in there life decisions, and in their future legacies! What a high and holy calling! I think the choice becomes a lot easier when I think of it that way!
Well that was my honesty coming out. I hope that someone is encouraged today! God Bless!
No comments:
Post a Comment